someone get that fucking seahorse.
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
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