I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
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