New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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