I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
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