For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
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