Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
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