I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
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