never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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