i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
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