I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
