I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Randomize
