Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
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