Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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