FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
