my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Randomize
