You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
