I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
