Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
Randomize
