can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Randomize
