I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
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