weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
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