if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
Randomize
