i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
i think i just lost a toe
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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