I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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