sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Randomize
