You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
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