Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
Randomize
