I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Randomize
