I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
tell your sister to shave her snatch
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
