new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
Sorry my hands just texted you
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Randomize
