one might say we're banned from that church
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
Randomize
