dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
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