So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
