In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
