Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
