did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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