she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
