When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
