Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
