Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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