I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
