Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
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