Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Randomize
