saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Randomize
