i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
