hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Randomize
