If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
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