Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Randomize