I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
