My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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