the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?