remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
29 Petty People Reveal The Shallow Reasons They Turned Someone Down
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
21 Horribly Evil Pranks To Play On Your Drunk Friends
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes