"Reality" and all separate lives are the same thing?... We all have separate realities?! My life Has one reality and yours has another?
Haha how much did you smoke
4 feet of smokeee!
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
