I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Randomize
