honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better