God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
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Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
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So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today