Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Walk back down Church toward Mass Ave. Take a right and head for the guy in a kilt on top of the really tall unicycle. C u soon!
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick