Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.