i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I want a musical about memes.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
